Entry tags:
Weepies songs...
I know that you think you're not good for anything
The world makes you feel so small
Yup. :(
The world makes you feel so small
Yup. :(
(no subject)
Agh. I honestly can't deal with life right now. Too much to do and too much to feel, I guess. I need to work out what I want to DO with myself... but do I do the sensible thing, or do I assume that I've only got max 100 years on this earth, if that, and do whatever the hell I want to do? Do I go for happiness (hopefully) in the long run, or happiness right here, right now? I have no idea.
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(no subject)
I want to go back to Berlin so badly. Not back to the Humboldt, admittedly, but back to being a tour guide and wandering the city and the wonderful feeling of peace it brings. London is not the place for inner peace, and I could really do with some right now. I could also do with a job that actually earned me some money. But that's another matter... I just need to ESCAPE. I'm so worn out with life here. I feel a bit like an automaton, constantly doing all the things I need to do on autopilot and never getting that wonderful feeling of stopping and looking at my life and thinking 'yes. I like this.' Which I got in bucketloads in Berlin.
I'm not deluding myself into thinking it was perfect. There was a lot of unperfectness. But it was unstressful and peaceful and fun and friendly and all the things that London isn't. And more to the point, I didn't feel like I'm gradually no longer understanding where I want to go or what I want to do or anything. Because here, in London, I'm beginning to wonder what the point in pushing onwards is.
:( I miss Berlin.
I'm not deluding myself into thinking it was perfect. There was a lot of unperfectness. But it was unstressful and peaceful and fun and friendly and all the things that London isn't. And more to the point, I didn't feel like I'm gradually no longer understanding where I want to go or what I want to do or anything. Because here, in London, I'm beginning to wonder what the point in pushing onwards is.
:( I miss Berlin.
Resolute
Post from earlier deleted. It was a bit unnecessary - I really shouldn't post whilst still upset! Instead I'm going to post about the good parts of my day, since I'm feeling happier now :) Mostly the fact that my bento box arrived! So tomorrow I'm going to make bento to take with me to the tour I'm going on as research for my new job.
Life is good, and I am resolute that I want to be what I want to be. Nothing like your dreams being threatened to know how much you really want them!!
(I don't know if my icon is readable, but it says 'you can't have a light without a dark to stick it in'. Very apt. And something I should remember more often!!)
Life is good, and I am resolute that I want to be what I want to be. Nothing like your dreams being threatened to know how much you really want them!!
(I don't know if my icon is readable, but it says 'you can't have a light without a dark to stick it in'. Very apt. And something I should remember more often!!)
Entry tags:
Long time no see...
Sooo... Germany. I feel like I've been on a five week Fresher's week. It's really weird being here, I keep switching between feeling fantastic, like my German is amazing and I've met some lovely people and the whole thing's going to be fine, and then flipping back to how I feel now, which is... well, complicated.
First of all, I went home at the weekend, and now I feel like I've undone all the improvements I made in four weeks of intensive language course by speaking English for 4 days. It just feels completely stilted when I talk. (But at least I know what THAT is now auf Deutsch - 'abgehackt') Also, because I've finished the speaking course I haven't had anything to do for the last few days, and therefore haven't been seeing people as much as before. This wouldn't have been such a problem were it not for my main issue: my housemate is no longer talking to me.
( I realise this is something which requires some explanation. )
I'm now sat in the internet cafe next door to my flat, since I don't have internet access at home yet. There's a man sat next to me, heavy breathing to the extent that I think he's going to keel over soon, puffing away on an extra long cigarette. Lovely. There are also two people with laughs that sound like asthma attacks. Yay.
I have my first class tomorrow - a FOUR HOUR seminar on Reflexivity in Literature and Film... oh well, if I feel like my German's bad right now, by four o clock tomorrow it should be fantastic - when discussing films, anyway. Just hoping I don't have to contribute too much in the first class!
How's everyone been, anyway?
First of all, I went home at the weekend, and now I feel like I've undone all the improvements I made in four weeks of intensive language course by speaking English for 4 days. It just feels completely stilted when I talk. (But at least I know what THAT is now auf Deutsch - 'abgehackt') Also, because I've finished the speaking course I haven't had anything to do for the last few days, and therefore haven't been seeing people as much as before. This wouldn't have been such a problem were it not for my main issue: my housemate is no longer talking to me.
( I realise this is something which requires some explanation. )
I'm now sat in the internet cafe next door to my flat, since I don't have internet access at home yet. There's a man sat next to me, heavy breathing to the extent that I think he's going to keel over soon, puffing away on an extra long cigarette. Lovely. There are also two people with laughs that sound like asthma attacks. Yay.
I have my first class tomorrow - a FOUR HOUR seminar on Reflexivity in Literature and Film... oh well, if I feel like my German's bad right now, by four o clock tomorrow it should be fantastic - when discussing films, anyway. Just hoping I don't have to contribute too much in the first class!
How's everyone been, anyway?
A poem to express how I feel about losing things
This isn't good poetry, but it expresses how I feel. It is some relief that I have been able to finally find the words to describe it, pitiful though they may be, because I feel as though I am being eaten. The first line is taken from one of my poems from a while back.
~
Uprooted
The small grey church is still a home of sorts,
Behind the trees, between the fields.
And I may no longer wander down these leafy lanes
Nor sit in contemplation, nor in celebration
And I am rootless as the old trees that once fell;
That once fell and now are dead and strong inside my small grey church
And what is home when time has fled away?
May I be allowed still to sit and weep, or must
I break
and fall, disjointed, over tumbling rocks in mind and soul and
body -
Until I am once more whole, as such?
And where is God when I am here, away?
For the small grey church is still a home of sorts
A home I may no longer see
O God
Where art thou?
If that is now denied to me?
~
I feel so cold, inside.
~
Uprooted
The small grey church is still a home of sorts,
Behind the trees, between the fields.
And I may no longer wander down these leafy lanes
Nor sit in contemplation, nor in celebration
And I am rootless as the old trees that once fell;
That once fell and now are dead and strong inside my small grey church
And what is home when time has fled away?
May I be allowed still to sit and weep, or must
I break
and fall, disjointed, over tumbling rocks in mind and soul and
body -
Until I am once more whole, as such?
And where is God when I am here, away?
For the small grey church is still a home of sorts
A home I may no longer see
O God
Where art thou?
If that is now denied to me?
~
I feel so cold, inside.
Meh
I feel so lacking in self-confidence at the moment. It's bizarre, really, because it's the same old, same old feeling I've known forever and ever, and yet my circumstances are so utterly different from what they were before. I have a boyfriend. I'm living in London, in a flat, with people I am good friends with, who accept me for what I am and who I am. I don't have to act around them. My life is getting sorted.
BUT.
( Cut for ranting, read if you want... )
Sorry to put this all on here, but I need to get it out there. Gah.
BUT.
( Cut for ranting, read if you want... )
Sorry to put this all on here, but I need to get it out there. Gah.
Entry tags:
Warm Fuzziageness
I got so weirdly homesick last night - literally, to sitting in bed sobbing 'I want my Mummy'.... so strange! I never get homesick, not even when I went to Guide camp or PGL aged 11, when everyone else did. But maybe it's just because I've decided not to live at home over the summer, and I was remembering all the small things I missed, and I realised that it's never going to be quite like that, ever again. But everyone has to move on, and I know that this is what I want to do. It's just slightly scary, that I am well and truly no longer a child, and pretty soon, no longer dependant at all. Woah. I am going to be very nice to my parents when I see them at the weekend :)