Reasons why I need Trev to be with me, here:
- to remind me why being with him is way better than crushing on random Danish guys...
- to give me a hug when I'm feeling down
- to stop me from feeling like a socially-inept giraffe
- to motivate me when I'm feeling useless
- to give me someone to talk to about things I can't tell anyone here

Is it bad that I feel so lost when he's not around, unable to sort these things out on my own? Is that a sign I'm too dependant on him, or is that perfectly acceptable in a relationship? I never know...

I really need to write a song right now.

* I went to see Borat with nqdonne. Twas cringy but hilarious!
* I found a wonderfully cheap sushi place on Fleet Street, called Wasabi (imaginatively). Me and Trev had lunch, rather gleefully, next to Temple church, and watched all the tourists struggling to come to terms with the fact that it was closed, so they couldn't go in and take pictures of a house of worship because of some crappy book. And the sushi was wonderful!
* I made rasberry cobblers. They're like hot muffins. Yum.
* I went out to an Oktoberfest bar in Fulham with the German soc. It had a pool table. I was happy.
* I bought a gorgeous Top Shop dress for the Musical Revue next week, and some colourful accessories. This is good, because I worked out that my budget this term actually allows me to do such things. I am quite in awe.
* Trev bought me flowers. They are purple and lovely :)
* I signed up for Tazlure again... and it's been great. I'd forgotten how much I missed it.
* My songwriting muse has reawakened. We're just getting to know each other again, but hopefully something productive will happen now, this time with some longevity!

This is all because I am procrastinating from my wonderful Wozzeck essay. But I'm nearly there - once I've rewatched the film I can start. Hurrah.

I've actually taken the radical step of friends-locking this entry. Not because I particularly CARE, but I just can't be bothered to reply to the random comments from people I don't know which I seem to have been getting recently. Anyways. I'm having a crappy day. I seem to have been having a crisis a day this week, but all have been fairly trivial.. I suppose today has been, too, really. I've been planning on renting a flat this summer with Trev. We'd gone through a variety of plan changes, but finally it seemed we had agreed. I said I'd ask my parents to give me a certain amount towards the rent to make it easier for me and Trev... well, more for Trev, if I'm being honest. I though about doing it but finally decided it would be alright when my Dad said he'd donate some money towards our holiday if we had problems finding somewhere cheap. Since I didn't take him up on that, I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask about the flat. I explained to him that it would mean me and Trev would be able to pay less each per week (as opposed to just me)... no problem. He said he'd give us what amounted to 40 quid a week - not that much for him, but enough for us to get somewhere which actually had room to breathe. Great. I'd been holding my breath about the whole thing due to the aforementioned changes of plan, but now I finally thought I could get excited. I thanked my Dad profusely and told the good news to Trev. This was Thursday.

Today I talk to my Mum on the phone. I mention I'm coming home on Saturday to deliver my sister's 18th birthday present. My Dad had neglected to tell her. I assumed that meant he hadn't told her about the money, either, so I did, being a honest daughter. She is entirely unhappy about subsidising Trev. I get grumpy. We have a few more minutes of conversation and then say goodbye. But the thing is, I wasn't grumpy at her, persay. See, I just hadn't seen it like that - I just saw it as making things easier for me and Trev, because my parents wouldn't be paying anything towards my upkeep otherwise, where they would have been had I been at home. But being slightly upset at my mother's reaction, and worried about this new way of looking at things, I talk to Trev. Turns out he's not happy, either - he doesn't want to be subsidised by my parents particularly, cos he hates taking money off people, but especially not if my Mum's not happy with it. Now I'M not happy with it either, because I've obviously been ignoring everybody else's feelings rather selfishly for my own happiness. So Trev points out how he could get a job at Hampstead on campus and pay only 5 pounds a night for accomodation, and I could do the same thing. Trouble is, it's weekend work and 3 days during the week, which means I wouldn't get a day off for the whole summer cos I already work 3 weeknights at the bar which I'm going to carry on. Gah. Still. After much stressing and ranting and crying all afternoon I've come to a decision. We'll both apply for jobs at Hampstead. If we both get them, we'll live here. That'll be fine, we're already used to it, even if it's not what we'd planned. If one of us doesn't, we'll look for other jobs - probably telesales - which I KNOW I've almost certainly got a job waiting for me in, and Trev could easily get a job in. And we'll rent a flat. And if that means him paying 60 quid a week rent because that's all he can afford, and me paying 80+, I don't mind. Because I'd much prefer to be with him than live on my own.

Oh, the joys of being an adult... but not quite... and deciding just how dependant to still be on Mummy and Daddy. And feeling guilty about it. I guess this means I'm paying all my rent next year too, because I don't want to be at ALL dependant any more. I'm glad they paid this year, but I can't claim to be an independant adult whilst still sponging.

Poo. I wish I was 8. I guess my icon is particularly appropriate now.

EDIT: Was friendlocked. But actually I don't agree with friends locking stuff. If I'm going to put it on the internet I should go the whole hog. If not I should write it in my personal diary. So welcome, public.

I don't WANNA be here when he's not. And I have mouth ulcers.

*Sulks*


That's all I wanted to say.

Keep my flower safe, my love
Let it not lose its bloom and fade.
Now in your hands I leave it safe
To flourish;
It is mine no more.

Give me your hand and make me yours
Once more
When darkness falls each night
I will not leave as morning's light
Steals shadows from the night's embrace.

Oh, do not let the petals fall
Do not, in quiet moment, leave
And let its fertile blossom droop
(I cannot stand to see you hurt)
Please do not let it blow away?

Be still, my love, be still and calm
And storms will not steal stem or leaf
My flower, safe, lies in your arms
And I am here; let us just be.


~


Meh. Lit. is a good class for writing pretentious poetry.

Can't believe how much I miss him having only seen him 2 days ago.... I'm very pathetic! I should be essay writing right now but I can't be arsed at this particular moment. However, in a few minutes, I will turn off the TV, open the essay, and carry on. I'm not going to read what I've written until I get to the end - that way, it won't be so fresh, and I can redraft more objectively. It's crap, but I think I can mould it once I've finished. It's just the finishing! And as soon as I've done this one, I've got to start the next one. Gah, but I've done half, at least.

Agh ER's on! I have no willpower!

Am supposed to be doing work. Well, I REALLY REALLY have to do work, actually, because I do actually WANT to see Trev tonight and not spend the night frantically trying to do it and actually just NOT.

Gosh, what a lot of capitals. I feel like an 18th century pamphlet writer.

So anyway.

I DON'T WANNA DO IT!!!!!

Meh.

Outbursts DO help, don't they? Hehehe.

Hmm... This is bizarre. Anyone who knows me will know that, whilst generally being a confident (at least outwardly) person, I am about as confident when flirting/dealing with members of the opposite sex who I like like as a small mollusc. So it really freaked me out when I arrived here and... well, attracted attention. I'm just not used to it! I'm normally the one on the side who watches other people's relationships. But then, after going to the blues bar a week and a half ago for Trev's birthday.... gah, I feel so much out of water that I don't even want to type the words! Let's just say it's good, it's vvv good, and intuition is a marvellous thing that is being very helpful... Ok, more behind the cut...

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