Exit Life Through Window

Agh. I honestly can't deal with life right now. Too much to do and too much to feel, I guess. I need to work out what I want to DO with myself... but do I do the sensible thing, or do I assume that I've only got max 100 years on this earth, if that, and do whatever the hell I want to do? Do I go for happiness (hopefully) in the long run, or happiness right here, right now? I have no idea.

I want to go back to Berlin so badly. Not back to the Humboldt, admittedly, but back to being a tour guide and wandering the city and the wonderful feeling of peace it brings. London is not the place for inner peace, and I could really do with some right now. I could also do with a job that actually earned me some money. But that's another matter... I just need to ESCAPE. I'm so worn out with life here. I feel a bit like an automaton, constantly doing all the things I need to do on autopilot and never getting that wonderful feeling of stopping and looking at my life and thinking 'yes. I like this.' Which I got in bucketloads in Berlin.

I'm not deluding myself into thinking it was perfect. There was a lot of unperfectness. But it was unstressful and peaceful and fun and friendly and all the things that London isn't. And more to the point, I didn't feel like I'm gradually no longer understanding where I want to go or what I want to do or anything. Because here, in London, I'm beginning to wonder what the point in pushing onwards is.

:( I miss Berlin.

Sooo... Germany. I feel like I've been on a five week Fresher's week. It's really weird being here, I keep switching between feeling fantastic, like my German is amazing and I've met some lovely people and the whole thing's going to be fine, and then flipping back to how I feel now, which is... well, complicated.

First of all, I went home at the weekend, and now I feel like I've undone all the improvements I made in four weeks of intensive language course by speaking English for 4 days. It just feels completely stilted when I talk. (But at least I know what THAT is now auf Deutsch - 'abgehackt') Also, because I've finished the speaking course I haven't had anything to do for the last few days, and therefore haven't been seeing people as much as before. This wouldn't have been such a problem were it not for my main issue: my housemate is no longer talking to me.

( I realise this is something which requires some explanation. )

I'm now sat in the internet cafe next door to my flat, since I don't have internet access at home yet. There's a man sat next to me, heavy breathing to the extent that I think he's going to keel over soon, puffing away on an extra long cigarette. Lovely. There are also two people with laughs that sound like asthma attacks. Yay.

I have my first class tomorrow - a FOUR HOUR seminar on Reflexivity in Literature and Film... oh well, if I feel like my German's bad right now, by four o clock tomorrow it should be fantastic - when discussing films, anyway. Just hoping I don't have to contribute too much in the first class!

How's everyone been, anyway?

Why am I so crap? I have made myself and Trev sad on the night of my birthday. Gah.

Ok, so I yelled at him cos he was going to stand me up... meh.

Pooey.

I feel so lacking in self-confidence at the moment. It's bizarre, really, because it's the same old, same old feeling I've known forever and ever, and yet my circumstances are so utterly different from what they were before. I have a boyfriend. I'm living in London, in a flat, with people I am good friends with, who accept me for what I am and who I am. I don't have to act around them. My life is getting sorted.

BUT.

( Cut for ranting, read if you want... )

Sorry to put this all on here, but I need to get it out there. Gah.