mk_tortie: (berlin sunset)
I want to go back to Berlin so badly. Not back to the Humboldt, admittedly, but back to being a tour guide and wandering the city and the wonderful feeling of peace it brings. London is not the place for inner peace, and I could really do with some right now. I could also do with a job that actually earned me some money. But that's another matter... I just need to ESCAPE. I'm so worn out with life here. I feel a bit like an automaton, constantly doing all the things I need to do on autopilot and never getting that wonderful feeling of stopping and looking at my life and thinking 'yes. I like this.' Which I got in bucketloads in Berlin.

I'm not deluding myself into thinking it was perfect. There was a lot of unperfectness. But it was unstressful and peaceful and fun and friendly and all the things that London isn't. And more to the point, I didn't feel like I'm gradually no longer understanding where I want to go or what I want to do or anything. Because here, in London, I'm beginning to wonder what the point in pushing onwards is.

:( I miss Berlin.
mk_tortie: (berlin sunset)
This is giving me a strange sense of deja-vu writing this... guess where I am guys?!? I'm in the Humboldt's PC-Pool! Yes, I am on a flying visit to Berlin to try and persuade my lecturers here to give me my marks back from Berlin, and I realised that my Humboldt login still works, so I'm browsing the net until I have to go get my flight. Sorry for the long disappearance from LJ-Land - I have no internet in my new flat right now so I won't be around much until it gets installed. The new flat is amazing though, and there will be pictures soon!

It's been really great being back in Berlin, although it's made me even more aware of how much more at home I feel here than in London right now. I went out with the tour guides last night and I feel so happy around them. They're a really friendly, open, accepting bunch of people and it makes them a really nice group to spend time with. I miss that a lot, as well as just the general atmosphere of Berlin in comparison to London. I was walking through Monbijou Park yesterday and just felt totally like I'd never left Berlin in the first place.

I have a new plan for post-degree now, because I realised I wanted to come back to Berlin. So the plan is to graduate, finish out my rental period on my flat working in London (I'm now a London tour guide, btw! I passed my test tour on Sunday, hurrah!) and then move back to Berlin for about 6 months to do the tour guiding thing, earn a load of money, and then go travelling for a couple of months. I want to go to the States, NZ and Australia, and then come back through Asia and maybe Eastern Europe. I shall see how it goes with the cash. After the travelling I want to move to France for a year and after that, who knows? But I think that's a pretty good sounding plan :D My sister is really up for moving to Berlin with me which could be pretty fun as well.

I also can't remember if I posted about this before, but I'm directing a play this year too, in April. We finally decided which one! It's going to be 'Forever Godard' by Igor Bauersima... hopefully it's going to be the best play the German soc has ever seen... fingers crossed, at least! We're going to fit music and dance and a tonne of film as well (of course, since it's named after Jean-Luc Godard) into it... I have been mentally (and sometimes really) squeeing every time I think about it, hehe. So exciting!

Anyway, I thought I'd update about my life right now. I actually have a whole essay, practically, about my thoughts on my year abroad ready to post, but it's on my laptop at home so that might have to wait til I get the net. Also, I'm buying a PC just so I can play the Sims,pretty much... I feel like such a geek!

On that note... have a good week everyone, comment and update me on exciting things going on for you all because I won't have much time to check my f-list over the next week or so, and I will be back in full force soon!!
mk_tortie: (holy grail king arthur)
I never really believed it was possible to fall in love with a city this much before. But honestly, I really, really don't want to leave Berlin. The idea of just staying, tour guiding, and hanging around and discovering the city for a year, with nothing to worry about other than maybe trying to get some gigs is so incredibly tempting right now. I'm so fed up with the 24 hour pressure of academia - because you can never escape it. At least, if you're a total perfectionist but also incredibly unmotivated like me then you can never escape it, because there's always something you should be studying, an essay you should be writing, and even in the summer, there's something you could be learning to make the next year easier. I've had exams every single year since I was 14 and to be honest, I'm utterly, utterly sick of the whole thing. I just want to escape, and Berlin is an escapist's paradise, and this job is the perfect escapist's job. I don't want to go home.

I suppose this could be a sense of teenage rebellion making a belated entrance into my life. I think the thing I disliked about this year was being forced to be here. And now I dislike being forced to leave - I dislike the way that my university/my degree limits my freedom like that. I was never a rebellious teenager at all - maybe it's coming out now? But I suppose I also know that I will never recreate this sensation of being right here, right now, even if I come back once I finish my degree - Berlin will never be to me what it is right now. I feel like I'm leaving just as something is starting that could make me very happy and content, at least for a while, and it really bugs me.

Oh well, I suppose I should go back to writing about Mulholland Drive. I also have far, far too much to say for this essay - why do I always pick topics I could write a dissertation on? I already have ten pages of handwritten notes and I'm only halfway through the secondary literature... and I haven't even re-watched the film yet to make notes on that. Oh dear...
mk_tortie: (scribble)
Apparently, in the world of Anna, all academia is now somehow related to Berlin history. Because every time I start making essay notes, half of the random thoughts my brain provides me with go along the lines of 'David Lynch offers no official interpretation of Mulholland Drive - much like Peter Eisenmann and the Holocaust Memorial'! I think I could write a great essay connecting the film to Berlin, if it wasn't for the fact that the two things are completely unrelated...
mk_tortie: (i sing)
I got two skirts and a necklace from C&A yesterday for under €20. Result!

I realised today as I was walking through Alexanderplatz that I would actually happily come back and live in Berlin again in the future. I think the difference between Berlin and London for me is that, although I love London and get a great buzz from living there, I always feel slightly in awe of the fact that I do. I never quite feel like I'm part of the place, more like I'm a constant fly-on-the-wall observing how amazing and busy it all is. In Berlin, I feel like I'm part of it all, like I'm not just existing here but both giving and taking something from the city. There's a sense of community here. It's a really nice feeling. I think that it's maybe that that makes people come here for two days and leave four years later. It's pretty amazing.

I am also very annoyed right now, because my voice has been dead for about three weeks now. I can't actually produce any note higher than an F above middle C when singing, and I sound like I've been chain-smoking for 50 years anyway. It's ridiculous. And even worse, I'm supposed to be singing at my party in a week and a half, and there's going to be a load of music biz people there, and I think I'm going to sound so stupid. So I'm kind of worried about the whole thing. I also don't really want to end up with nodules - for one thing Julian (my singing teacher) would kill me. Ergh. I think I'm just going on total voice maintenance from now until next Saturday - no alcohol, only drinking water, vocalzones, and steaming with tea tree oil twice a day. Hopefully that will help a bit.
mk_tortie: (drunk cat)
Wow, I've just realised I've only got 9 weeks left in Berlin. Suddenly I don't want to go home.

Something funny happened this evening. I was out with people from work, and my boss was telling us how he found it funny that at bang on 11pm on the work pub crawl, people always seemed to spontaneously break into their national anthem. At the time, I was thinking, I don't think I've ever heard that happen. Until at 11pm, when I left, and from down the street (where the pub crawl were) I heard the strains of 'God Save our gracious Queen, long live our noble Queen...' I just ended up stood in the street laughing to myself!
mk_tortie: (london)
I really don't know where I want to be right now. I'm feeling nostalgic and slightly homesick every time I see London even mentioned - even in fanfic! It makes me want to contact the author, just because they describe London streets... gah. I like Berlin, I really, really do, but I think I feel a bit like I'm on a holiday here that's gone on quite a lot too long. I need to go home. Still, it's only 9 weeks now, and I'm going to enjoy them - I have a trip to Hamburg and to Prague planned, and maybe a couple of others - might head down to Tübingen to see Insa (my German exchange from school) as well.

This may, of course, all be related to the fact that my room is still a tip, and my usual reaction to that is to want to run away... hmm!
mk_tortie: (drunk cat)
Wow, yesterday was pretty hardcore. I went out with some people from work to watch the football, and it kind of turned into a multiple bar drinking session! We started out in the Pfefferberg to watch the game, which was amazing because there were so many people there (and we'd already been there for two hours before it started, so we were all pleasantly sozzled), and then we moved on to the terrace on top of Wombats hostel afterwards for celebrations, then Kaffee Burger (but the music was a bit crap) and then finally 8mm where I spent about half an hour drunkenly talking to a guy from New York. It was a bit random, and I was a bit hungover this morning, and I didn't go to class OR on the bike tour so today has been a bit of a failure so far, but oh well! I'll just go on the bike tour on Monday instead. I would go tomorrow but I'm supposed to have a Blockseminar. Kind of annoying, I don't really want to go but I think I pretty much have to unless I want to drop that class. Which in some ways I'm kind of tempted to do... oh well, I'll just have to make a decision tonight.

This evening I'm going to Volkspark Friedrichshain to celebrate midsummer, which should be fun. We're having a barbecue and so on, so hopefully it won't rain! I think I'll take my umbrella just in case though, because sitting in a park in the rain is not fun. I'm off now anyway to the Turkish market to buy Turkish Boulette, which are like burger meat with extra spices, which you buy in a big packet and then slice up into squares to cook. Yum :) And bread and so on as well, and probably cake. And I need to buy my housemate some prawns, because I ate all of hers... oops. She got back from London three days ago and I haven't even seen her yet, never mind spoken to her! Just another week of fun in my wonderful passive-aggressive household... eergh. But never mind, today will hopefully be fun. I should fit in some bike tour learning at some point as well though, because right now I'm feeling sort of nervous about having to do it in a week! Agh!
mk_tortie: (little book of calm)
I just got an email from the head of the tour guide company, saying I should organise with him when my first tour is. I'm scared now! I suppose I'll have to practice my tour a bit more. I actually had a dream last night that I was doing the finale of the tour and could hardly remember it, but it was OK because it was the London tour, not the Berlin one. Bizarre. I also had a dream that I was buying paint in squares and then someone tried to make me put on a robe and go to a four hour long bible studies class, and I didn't want to because it was nearly Christmas and I wanted to go home and admire my wall-sized clock. I think I may have eaten too much cheese last night!

I'm also heading over to Mauerpark today to buy supplies for my bike. Hooray! I'm really not a big fan of the whole flea market culture here, though. People selling handmade and vintage stuff I can understand, and second hand books and records too, but some of the stuff that is for sale up there is literally rubbish. Last time I was there someone had old, broken 1980s food mixers, cracked plastic potties, and rusty car parts. The only possible use I can think of for that sort of thing is for art, and I'm sure there aren't THAT many artists in Berlin who like that.
mk_tortie: (cheshire cat)
Wow, I've had a busy weekend. I flew to England on Saturday morning, spent the afternoon helping my Mum clean up the kitchen in my house in London. My housemates from last year have all moved out and we're renting out the house for the summer to rich people (seriously, the rent's going to be something like £800 a week... insane!!) so they're trying to make the house nicer by cleaning up all the shit my former housemates left there... it was pretty disgusting. Anyways, the kitchen at least is looking nicer now... I can't wait to move in in September! So looking forward to living somewhere where I'm completely in charge of it, especially since it'll just be me and Trev. I'm turning into such a domesticated person, I keep planning what tea and coffee containers I'm going to buy and where I want to put candles!

Anyway, the purpose of flying to England was to bring my car back here, which I did on Sunday, all in one day. Me and Trev shared the driving, of course, but I was still knackered, and then had to get up for a Blockseminar on Monday morning. Normally on Monday I have class from 10-12, but this week it was 8-12... I just couldn't stay awake, it was pretty embarrassing. I had to do the old 'I'm a poor Erasmus student, I don't know what that word means' to get out of participating, when in fact I knew perfectly well what they were talking about, I just couldn't get my brain to function well enough to form an answer that would make any sense. So now the whole class thinks I can't speak German... I suppose it gets me out of having to say anything in future! Never mind.

I also had my audition tour today for my new job, and I passed it, so yay! I am now officially a Berlin Tour Guide, and if you come to Berlin you should come on my tour :) However, the audition was 7 hours walking around Berlin in 30 degree heat... ouch. I am sunburned. And exhausted. But at least I can sleep now!

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September 2016

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