Understanding myself
May. 5th, 2008 04:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mk_tortieI really wish I understood myself better. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing/not doing things because of barriers I've actually set for myself - but on the other hand, when I ask myself what those are, they seem like things I wouldn't want to get rid of. For example, just running off and doing something wild and not caring about the money or responsibilities I've left behind, doesn't work for me because I feel attached to my responsibilities, like uni and so on. But why am I at uni? I don't always enjoy it - I guess I came because I knew it was expected of me, and I didn't know what else to do, and to a certain extent I wanted to but I wouldn't say that what I'm studying is my life's goal. Sometimes I do find it interesting, yes, but I don't know... the things I find interesting are very specific, and not very interrelated.
I also find myself being friends with people/doing stuff with them because I don't want to hurt their feelings, not because I actually find them very interesting/stimulating. Especially here, where sometimes I would prefer to just not go out than go out for the sake of it with people I find a bit boring, because I don't want to hurt them/make them think I'm not bothered about them. I guess that means I AM bothered about them... is that possible?
I think that's actually what's holding me back from writing songs at the moment, in some ways. I'm trying to play stuff that already sounds like it's been done before, but I'm too tied up in my own boundaries to create something completely new. Is this what growing up is? When I was a little kid I had no fear of creating. I could come up with imaginative games that lasted days, constantly feeding in new things... now, my mind starts to rationalise each new suggestion it puts forward before I've even had a chance to develop it further. I wish I could let that go, but I don't think I can.
(And GIP for the new one I stole from... somewhere... can't actually remember where!)
I also find myself being friends with people/doing stuff with them because I don't want to hurt their feelings, not because I actually find them very interesting/stimulating. Especially here, where sometimes I would prefer to just not go out than go out for the sake of it with people I find a bit boring, because I don't want to hurt them/make them think I'm not bothered about them. I guess that means I AM bothered about them... is that possible?
I think that's actually what's holding me back from writing songs at the moment, in some ways. I'm trying to play stuff that already sounds like it's been done before, but I'm too tied up in my own boundaries to create something completely new. Is this what growing up is? When I was a little kid I had no fear of creating. I could come up with imaginative games that lasted days, constantly feeding in new things... now, my mind starts to rationalise each new suggestion it puts forward before I've even had a chance to develop it further. I wish I could let that go, but I don't think I can.
(And GIP for the new one I stole from... somewhere... can't actually remember where!)
