A long term emotion...

I've had this weird feeling all day. I've been trying to work it out, and there's all sorts of things I could blame it on, but I think it might be that I feel really... well, homeless, except that is a bit of a stupid way of putting it. Because in Berlin, I have a flat, but it's not 'home' because I'm only here until September, so whilst I can make it homely, there's too many things to remind me that it's not home. And my parents house.. well, is exactly that. Because it's not somewhere that feels like mine. I feel like a guest when I'm there. Weirdly, I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I can't shut myself away and play the piano when I'm there, because my piano is in a communal room that can't be closed off. I guess that equals me not feeling entirely at home there, because the thing about my old house was that I could shut myself away, write a song or play for hours, and just completely and utterly play away whatever was the problem. I can't do that here, and I can't do that at my parents'. So it's my parent's house, not my home.

The closest thing I have is the house in London, but right now I don't live there, I don't have a room there, and I feel very much like an intruder if I let myself in unannounced, so that's not home either. So what is? I want home to be where the people I love are, and to be somewhere permanent (and to have a room where I can shut myself away and play the piano and play out everything that's wrong/right/confused) but that can't happen, none of those things; the people I love are never going to be all in one place, meaning I have to choose between them; 'Permanent' won't happen til I leave uni - maybe won't happen til I buy my own place; really song-writing away my issues can't happen until those other two things are fulfilled, because otherwise I don't feel comfortable enough to really let my feelings come to the surface enough to recognise and write about them. I nearly reached that point last summer in London, but then the prospect of moving to Germany hung over my head again and I haven't written a whole song since August.

I think the feeling is homelessness, and the inability to do anything about that.

Two things

OK, enough of the mopiness, sorry about that! Tis a tad ridiculous and probably a result of letting out of stress from end of exams and boredom from everyone else still being busy with them. Let's move on.

In fact, I think that naming tomorrow 'New Start Friday' may be a good idea. No more moping, no more arguing with Trev, not more lying around in/on my bed all day and being lazy.

On a side point, if I applied to an MA at Oxford, just to see if I could get in, would that be silly? Because the reason I didn't apply to do my BA there was because I didn't want to end up doing just German, I wanted to do joint German/Music (for full explanations, see my posts from the second half of 2005). And ever since actually starting uni and ending up doing 'just German' (which I've been perfectly happy with), I've always felt kind of... well, like I wish I'd applied, because now I'll never know if I would have been successful or not. And whilst most of me is fed up with being a student, there is a part of me that would love to have both KCL and Oxford on my CV (ie, my Grandad's and my Dad's unis.) I don't know. My brain just keeps coming back to the idea, is all, and they do a masters in European Film that looks really interesting... It's just, when I don't really have an interest in becoming an academic, is there any point in spending all that money on a (fairly pointless really in terms of jobs) humanities masters? On the other hand, if I DID decide later in life that I wanted to do a PhD (which seems to also be a family thing) then I would need a masters, probably... so would it be better to do it now? And there's just something about Oxford that really makes me want to do it.

I guess I could move to France for a year and THEN do a masters.

More to the point, is this a horribly pretentious post? Heh. It kind of goes against what I wrote the other day... oh well.