The End of Things

I never really believed it was possible to fall in love with a city this much before. But honestly, I really, really don't want to leave Berlin. The idea of just staying, tour guiding, and hanging around and discovering the city for a year, with nothing to worry about other than maybe trying to get some gigs is so incredibly tempting right now. I'm so fed up with the 24 hour pressure of academia - because you can never escape it. At least, if you're a total perfectionist but also incredibly unmotivated like me then you can never escape it, because there's always something you should be studying, an essay you should be writing, and even in the summer, there's something you could be learning to make the next year easier. I've had exams every single year since I was 14 and to be honest, I'm utterly, utterly sick of the whole thing. I just want to escape, and Berlin is an escapist's paradise, and this job is the perfect escapist's job. I don't want to go home.

I suppose this could be a sense of teenage rebellion making a belated entrance into my life. I think the thing I disliked about this year was being forced to be here. And now I dislike being forced to leave - I dislike the way that my university/my degree limits my freedom like that. I was never a rebellious teenager at all - maybe it's coming out now? But I suppose I also know that I will never recreate this sensation of being right here, right now, even if I come back once I finish my degree - Berlin will never be to me what it is right now. I feel like I'm leaving just as something is starting that could make me very happy and content, at least for a while, and it really bugs me.

Oh well, I suppose I should go back to writing about Mulholland Drive. I also have far, far too much to say for this essay - why do I always pick topics I could write a dissertation on? I already have ten pages of handwritten notes and I'm only halfway through the secondary literature... and I haven't even re-watched the film yet to make notes on that. Oh dear...