Sitting

I should really be doing my composition for music, I suppose, seeing as I'm in the music computer room. But I can't be a**ed and so I'm doing this instead. I love these online journal things, but I never keep them up. Websites, too.

Hmmm...

My one post looked a tad lonely, so I thought I'd give it another one to be friends with. Yes, I am in a weird mood. Hmmm... Ooh, there are people coming. Music theory's not on today (Pam is ill, AGAIN), so I have nothing to do for another hour. Well, kinda. I have to do me spanish, but that's not a problem. But I ought to do some compositioning too. La di da. Time wasting can be so boring.

After Spanish

Spanish has happened. It is now in the past. Which is what we did in the lesson. Why oh why oh why oh why oh why is it that I manage to make myself look like a fool? I think I have successfully convinced everyone that I have multiple personalities. There's bouncy 'I'm on the stage!' me, there's introverted 'won't they be sorry when I've got a record contract' me, there's shy 'secret stalker' me, there's extroverted 'who gives a fuck, Alex' me.... Every lesson I feel that they disdain me in a different way. I'm not surprised. Maybe if I made a bit more of an effort with myself, I wouldn't care so much. But too be honest, I'm so plain and ugly that it wouldn't make much difference. I struggle to look older than twelve. Gang show people think my sister is older than me. How's that for embarassing? Sometimes I just hate myself so much. But at the moment I can't be assed. Who gives a shit, really?

No lesson

Don't think I'm going to get my driving lesson (no. 2!) tomorrow after all. Lorraine just told me her clutch has gone, so I think I'll be going home. Like now. I'm so hungry, but I don't have any money. And my stomach aches. Ho hum. Have fiddled around with this quite a bit now, think it looks quite good. Got my singing lesson tomorrow, I think it will be bad, as usual. I like my lessons, but I always come away feeling like I'm crap at singing. I need to get the whole chest voice thing sorted out, or I am really going to kill my voice. Bla. Bla. Bla. I was writing that earlier on a doodle and suddenly really missed Sara and Rosemary and my history lessons last year. I really wish that I hadn't gone to a different college from her. I can't talk to her nearly as much as I'd like, and I think I am actually going slowly insane. I'm definitely turning into a loner (not entirely through my own fault, being completely IGNORED may have something to do with it), which is why I'm sat in here typing this instead of being out there being pushed out of every circle of people. I talk to people and after about 30 seconds their faces close. So I shut up. How depressing is it to feel like a spare part in life in general? Very. I want someone who will like me, love me even, for who I really am. But I think I'll end up being on of those sad middle aged spinsters that everyone looks at and thinks 'How sad.' How sad.

At home

I feel better now. A bit guilty, cos there's some stuff I should do that I haven't done, but better. I think all that ranting was good for me. Still haven't heard back from Maeve about my mod app, though. I'm beginning to think I'll be stuck in limbo forever! I think I'll go and write a song in a little while. Although I'd better be quick, cos I've got Senior Section. Fun fun fun. I'd fogotten it was on tonight. I'm loking at Erinsborough.com at the moment. If you watch Neighbours, look out for the silent barman, and join our campaign to FREE STEVE!