![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mk_tortieI feel so lacking in self-confidence at the moment. It's bizarre, really, because it's the same old, same old feeling I've known forever and ever, and yet my circumstances are so utterly different from what they were before. I have a boyfriend. I'm living in London, in a flat, with people I am good friends with, who accept me for what I am and who I am. I don't have to act around them. My life is getting sorted.
BUT.
The slightest thing makes my stomach feel like it's doing loops of nervous tension. I snap at Trev for the smallest indiscretions. I'm scared I've got a stomach ulcer or something from being stressed out for so long, because stress is now manifesting itself as physical discomfort. I natter constantly and nervously, even around my friends, and the whole time feel like I'm being irritating and they're just putting up with my presence. I no longer know that I'm wrong about that, even though I might be. Noone wants to give me a job and so rather than still having the knowledge that even if everything else fails, I'll still have my intelligence and work ability, I feel like I've lost that too. Despite getting firsts in 3 out of 8 of my modules this year, and 2:1 in the rest, I feel disappointed in myself, even though I knew that was what I would get. And most of all, even though I announced my intention to stay in London for the summer if my parents moved house, I feel like I've been forced to move out of home before I was ready to. Telling me my bedroom would be used as a guestroom when I wasn't there, so some of my stuff would have to stay in boxes, didn't help. Really.
And to top it all, the old music issue is bubbling away under the surface, as ever. Lisbee's album is nearly finished. Of course, although my Dad paid for that, all 10 tracks, (that's about £300 a track for the production, plus manufacturing costs), I am allowed to make a demo of 2 tracks. It was 3 but it has gone down. And the logic which I kinda maybe sort of was placated by originally was that I would be writing songs for The Promise's album, so it was alright - but there are an equal number of Lisbee's tracks to mine on there. Plus, the tracks of mine which are being used are some of my best songs, whereas only tracks that Lisbee didn't want are being used. And I was going to be in the band, but then he started auditioning people from GSA and decided that I would just play keyboard instead. Fair enough, but who remembers the keyboard player on the backing tracks for pop songs? I feel used, disillusioned, untalented and passed over. And I HATE HATE HATE being jealous of my sister, but I don't even feel like I've been compensated in any way, shape or form. And it's not that I am jealous of her, persay. I'm jealous of what she's been given/allowed to do, that I can't. I couldn't pay myself- I couldn't afford it. Maybe it's true that she writes better music than me. Maybe not. You can't tell me that doing a degree I didn't want to do in the first place is any kind of compensation or placation.
Sorry to put this all on here, but I need to get it out there. Gah.
BUT.
The slightest thing makes my stomach feel like it's doing loops of nervous tension. I snap at Trev for the smallest indiscretions. I'm scared I've got a stomach ulcer or something from being stressed out for so long, because stress is now manifesting itself as physical discomfort. I natter constantly and nervously, even around my friends, and the whole time feel like I'm being irritating and they're just putting up with my presence. I no longer know that I'm wrong about that, even though I might be. Noone wants to give me a job and so rather than still having the knowledge that even if everything else fails, I'll still have my intelligence and work ability, I feel like I've lost that too. Despite getting firsts in 3 out of 8 of my modules this year, and 2:1 in the rest, I feel disappointed in myself, even though I knew that was what I would get. And most of all, even though I announced my intention to stay in London for the summer if my parents moved house, I feel like I've been forced to move out of home before I was ready to. Telling me my bedroom would be used as a guestroom when I wasn't there, so some of my stuff would have to stay in boxes, didn't help. Really.
And to top it all, the old music issue is bubbling away under the surface, as ever. Lisbee's album is nearly finished. Of course, although my Dad paid for that, all 10 tracks, (that's about £300 a track for the production, plus manufacturing costs), I am allowed to make a demo of 2 tracks. It was 3 but it has gone down. And the logic which I kinda maybe sort of was placated by originally was that I would be writing songs for The Promise's album, so it was alright - but there are an equal number of Lisbee's tracks to mine on there. Plus, the tracks of mine which are being used are some of my best songs, whereas only tracks that Lisbee didn't want are being used. And I was going to be in the band, but then he started auditioning people from GSA and decided that I would just play keyboard instead. Fair enough, but who remembers the keyboard player on the backing tracks for pop songs? I feel used, disillusioned, untalented and passed over. And I HATE HATE HATE being jealous of my sister, but I don't even feel like I've been compensated in any way, shape or form. And it's not that I am jealous of her, persay. I'm jealous of what she's been given/allowed to do, that I can't. I couldn't pay myself- I couldn't afford it. Maybe it's true that she writes better music than me. Maybe not. You can't tell me that doing a degree I didn't want to do in the first place is any kind of compensation or placation.
Sorry to put this all on here, but I need to get it out there. Gah.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-14 01:39 am (UTC)