Meh

[mk_tortie]

I feel so lacking in self-confidence at the moment. It's bizarre, really, because it's the same old, same old feeling I've known forever and ever, and yet my circumstances are so utterly different from what they were before. I have a boyfriend. I'm living in London, in a flat, with people I am good friends with, who accept me for what I am and who I am. I don't have to act around them. My life is getting sorted.

BUT.

The slightest thing makes my stomach feel like it's doing loops of nervous tension. I snap at Trev for the smallest indiscretions. I'm scared I've got a stomach ulcer or something from being stressed out for so long, because stress is now manifesting itself as physical discomfort. I natter constantly and nervously, even around my friends, and the whole time feel like I'm being irritating and they're just putting up with my presence. I no longer know that I'm wrong about that, even though I might be. Noone wants to give me a job and so rather than still having the knowledge that even if everything else fails, I'll still have my intelligence and work ability, I feel like I've lost that too. Despite getting firsts in 3 out of 8 of my modules this year, and 2:1 in the rest, I feel disappointed in myself, even though I knew that was what I would get. And most of all, even though I announced my intention to stay in London for the summer if my parents moved house, I feel like I've been forced to move out of home before I was ready to. Telling me my bedroom would be used as a guestroom when I wasn't there, so some of my stuff would have to stay in boxes, didn't help. Really.

And to top it all, the old music issue is bubbling away under the surface, as ever. Lisbee's album is nearly finished. Of course, although my Dad paid for that, all 10 tracks, (that's about £300 a track for the production, plus manufacturing costs), I am allowed to make a demo of 2 tracks. It was 3 but it has gone down. And the logic which I kinda maybe sort of was placated by originally was that I would be writing songs for The Promise's album, so it was alright - but there are an equal number of Lisbee's tracks to mine on there. Plus, the tracks of mine which are being used are some of my best songs, whereas only tracks that Lisbee didn't want are being used. And I was going to be in the band, but then he started auditioning people from GSA and decided that I would just play keyboard instead. Fair enough, but who remembers the keyboard player on the backing tracks for pop songs? I feel used, disillusioned, untalented and passed over. And I HATE HATE HATE being jealous of my sister, but I don't even feel like I've been compensated in any way, shape or form. And it's not that I am jealous of her, persay. I'm jealous of what she's been given/allowed to do, that I can't. I couldn't pay myself- I couldn't afford it. Maybe it's true that she writes better music than me. Maybe not. You can't tell me that doing a degree I didn't want to do in the first place is any kind of compensation or placation.

Sorry to put this all on here, but I need to get it out there. Gah.

Comments

[born-to-try.livejournal.com]

just so you know - I absolutely understand how you feel - I actually do. right down to the sibling jealousy issue.

self-esteem is gradually dawning on me as a thing that you can't just bring 'up' and it stays 'up' on it's own. unfortunately you have to work at it constantly - BUT I think that it does get better as things move on, as you feel like things are really coming into place and you're happy with how stuff is going.

I truly know how difficult it is to convince yourself that you actually fine when you go through stages like this, but perhaps you need to talk it through with Trev, and remind yourself of things you're sure of, like the fact that you ARE very intelligent and great at your subject (come on, you know it's true, your marks are amazing!), you have a fab boyfriend and a bunch of friends you love you unconditionally, you're totally in charge of your life, even if it seems like you're not.

I know it sounds really clicheed but go somewhere pretty, a garden or museum or building that you like, maybe on your own, and try and think things over positively! you'll be ok, you really really will. just believe in yourself! it's times like this that I realise all the cliches are actually true!!!

sorry about the amateur psychobabble ...ouch how embarrassing!! :D call me for a chat if you think it might help. lots of love, you gorgeous creature xxxxxxxxxxxx

[(Anonymous)]

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

[born-to-try.livejournal.com]

damn, that's what I was going to say! ; )

[(Anonymous)]

No point speaking, someone else has already said it better somewhere else. :)

[mk-tortie.livejournal.com]

Thanks my lovely lovely friend, and don't worry about the psychobabble... we all do it, and I think it's useful! I am feeling much better about things now :) I'll give you a call when I get a chance!